Cosmic secrets

I can't tell you enough how hard cosmic style sucks, its not even the music itself - that can be quite ok at times- but its the whole scene around it which is nothing short of vaporware bullshit.
An empty euphemistic world in which middle-of-the-road pop and synthesizer tracks are forcefully put in a corner called cosmic. Really those tracks didn't ask for that!!! Leave them alone!!!

Just when we tought we had seen everything a new phenomenon has arisen in the cosmic world (or should that be cosmic galaxy or cosmic universe)...the latest hype COSMIC SECRETS.

First I need to explain the Cosmic DJ concept a little before we can even go there.

One of the most important things for a cosmic DJ is to be respected. How do they get respect? By playing the most obscure records that nobody else has. It doesn't matter if those records suck or if they are mundaine boring tracks as long as they can pretend to be mysterious and all "deep" its happening for them, and that is mostly in their own egocentric minds because nobody gives a fuck.

A cosmic DJ's record collection probably first starts digging local recordstores. But most of you dumbfuck cosmic DJ's don't live in wordly places; so after 3 copies of Allan Parsons project Mammagamma (which you probably think is a rare record) and that Chris Rea instrumental dub version you are running on empty.

All those stupid edits and bootlegs and reissues you get from that one internet store also don't help much because all of your cosmic "friends" (who mostly consist of other always jealous cosmic DJs) have exactly the same records. Fantastic...so if you finally convinced your local bar in your shithole village to do a cosmic party you and your cosmic friends can all play the same edits from your big cosmic DJ heroes (mixed with 1980s top 40 music which you think is cosmic).

You got to step it up, you are gonna need more to impress your friends.
You got to impress them so fucking hard with something that is so obscure you are not even gonna reveal the title or artists....you are getting so egocentric that you have entered the realm of COSMIC SECRETS. Records so special that they have to remain secret at all costs!

Now this would be not that weird, DJ's have always done this, putting stickers on their records etcetera. But in recent times this secrecy has also transferred to people selling records.
Yes everything is so secret that even you as the buyer don't know what you are buying...its a secret cosmic record!...the latest hype which started on ebay and is now also prevalent on normal cosmic internet shop sites. Stupid shop-sites such as cosmic dudes.

Now we are not even going to talk about how much their prices suck (45 euros for Allan Parsons Project Mammagamma sais enough) but we are going to question their stupid secret records, lets take a look at one of these secrets:



Now they know the name and everything but they won't give it to you as a potential customer, its listed as "SECRET - UNKNOWN MUNICH SPACE UFO". Only if you buy the 7" (yes a fucking little flimsy crackling dusty 7" which they try to rip you off 50 euros for) the name will be revealed. Oh so mysterious...so deep!!! I can't believe this bullshit, what the fuck is wrong with these idiots??? Pay 50 euros and you get the name...Everybody that is a littlebit internet savy already fucking knows what this record is and that you can really find it in a lot of dusty 7"s boxes in the more wordly recordstores for a lot less then 50 euros (remember kids this was commercial music back then and sold shitloads!)

And fuck it, here is that SECRET UNKNOWN MUNICH SPACE UFO track zipped in high quality MP3 . For free. Hey I just saved you 50 bucks! Thanks Colonel Norbert - No Problem!

So not only are those people abusing and ripping off those poor dumbfuck cosmic DJ's they are also causing inflation in the 2nd hand record market, maybe even all over the world! Wake up people its not the bankers but idiotic douchebags like those cosmic dudes that cause the current economic crisis! For the sake of sanity do not spend 45 euros on Allan Parsons Project Mammagamma...if you do you might have to spend 45 euros on a loaf of bread next week! Stay calm and sane and remember: Cosmic records won't give you any friends.








col.Norbert,
fighting against cosmic dumbness