Cosmic secrets

I can't tell you enough how hard cosmic style sucks, its not even the music itself - that can be quite ok at times- but its the whole scene around it which is nothing short of vaporware bullshit.
An empty euphemistic world in which middle-of-the-road pop and synthesizer tracks are forcefully put in a corner called cosmic. Really those tracks didn't ask for that!!! Leave them alone!!!

Just when we tought we had seen everything a new phenomenon has arisen in the cosmic world (or should that be cosmic galaxy or cosmic universe)...the latest hype COSMIC SECRETS.

First I need to explain the Cosmic DJ concept a little before we can even go there.

One of the most important things for a cosmic DJ is to be respected. How do they get respect? By playing the most obscure records that nobody else has. It doesn't matter if those records suck or if they are mundaine boring tracks as long as they can pretend to be mysterious and all "deep" its happening for them, and that is mostly in their own egocentric minds because nobody gives a fuck.

A cosmic DJ's record collection probably first starts digging local recordstores. But most of you dumbfuck cosmic DJ's don't live in wordly places; so after 3 copies of Allan Parsons project Mammagamma (which you probably think is a rare record) and that Chris Rea instrumental dub version you are running on empty.

All those stupid edits and bootlegs and reissues you get from that one internet store also don't help much because all of your cosmic "friends" (who mostly consist of other always jealous cosmic DJs) have exactly the same records. Fantastic...so if you finally convinced your local bar in your shithole village to do a cosmic party you and your cosmic friends can all play the same edits from your big cosmic DJ heroes (mixed with 1980s top 40 music which you think is cosmic).

You got to step it up, you are gonna need more to impress your friends.
You got to impress them so fucking hard with something that is so obscure you are not even gonna reveal the title or artists....you are getting so egocentric that you have entered the realm of COSMIC SECRETS. Records so special that they have to remain secret at all costs!

Now this would be not that weird, DJ's have always done this, putting stickers on their records etcetera. But in recent times this secrecy has also transferred to people selling records.
Yes everything is so secret that even you as the buyer don't know what you are buying...its a secret cosmic record!...the latest hype which started on ebay and is now also prevalent on normal cosmic internet shop sites. Stupid shop-sites such as cosmic dudes.

Now we are not even going to talk about how much their prices suck (45 euros for Allan Parsons Project Mammagamma sais enough) but we are going to question their stupid secret records, lets take a look at one of these secrets:



Now they know the name and everything but they won't give it to you as a potential customer, its listed as "SECRET - UNKNOWN MUNICH SPACE UFO". Only if you buy the 7" (yes a fucking little flimsy crackling dusty 7" which they try to rip you off 50 euros for) the name will be revealed. Oh so mysterious...so deep!!! I can't believe this bullshit, what the fuck is wrong with these idiots??? Pay 50 euros and you get the name...Everybody that is a littlebit internet savy already fucking knows what this record is and that you can really find it in a lot of dusty 7"s boxes in the more wordly recordstores for a lot less then 50 euros (remember kids this was commercial music back then and sold shitloads!)

And fuck it, here is that SECRET UNKNOWN MUNICH SPACE UFO track zipped in high quality MP3 . For free. Hey I just saved you 50 bucks! Thanks Colonel Norbert - No Problem!

So not only are those people abusing and ripping off those poor dumbfuck cosmic DJ's they are also causing inflation in the 2nd hand record market, maybe even all over the world! Wake up people its not the bankers but idiotic douchebags like those cosmic dudes that cause the current economic crisis! For the sake of sanity do not spend 45 euros on Allan Parsons Project Mammagamma...if you do you might have to spend 45 euros on a loaf of bread next week! Stay calm and sane and remember: Cosmic records won't give you any friends.








col.Norbert,
fighting against cosmic dumbness

cosmic sucks

This one was originally written in 2008 on my first
version of this blog:

"Cosmic this"-"Comsic that!"... 

Cosmic is just a fancy name for downtempo Psy-trance

i am getting fed up with all this cosmic bullshit,
first of all because nobody really knows what the hell
cosmic is in the first place...

Except for me. yes because I know.... Cosmic is the
predecessor of GOA & PSY TRANCE...yes thats right you
fucking dumb-ass cosmic hipster, I bet you didn't know
that! Just listen to a shit band like Sphongle...pitched
down slow goa trance chill out music for drugmuppets...
what does it sound like? Yes like your stupid COSMIC crap!
So what do you get when you speed up Cosmic...yes PSYTRANCE!!!

The worst thing is that all these drugmuppet hipster kids
think they KNOW everything about COSMIC music and start
throwing their own cosmic parties(either in Berlin or London
most of the time!) and most stupidest of all start COSMIC
blogs. Full of cosmic bullshit and cosmic facts.

They make them so they can show off their stupid COSMIC
knowledge.... and hopefully become cosmic superstar DJ's
(fat chance!!!).
Most of the time it consists of the following bullshit:

Posting rare MP3s
"HEY LOOK AT THIS ULTRA RARE RECORD I FOUND - YES I -ME-
I FOUND IT AND I AM SHARING IT WITH YOU ON MY BLOG BECAUSE
I AM A PROFESSOR OF COSMIC MUSIC ARCHEAOLOGY AND i also have
SUPER TASTE (and a recordplayer) Well hooray!

that is really great, because you were probably listening to
2 step garage or  playing drums in a COLLEGE ROCK band 3
years ago before you read about this new ultra hip cosmic
thing. And what is all this shit with these talentless fucks
getting credit for discovering tracks?????????

Make stupid old pop songs into cosmic classics:
If you can't find a super rare record you can make everything
cosmic: some TOP 40 Phill Collins, Chris Rea B-side tracks
from 1981.....if it has a drummachine, some synths, if you
pitch it down...YEAH ITS TOTALLY COSMIC!

Wait...you can even make an EDIT of it!!! (See below...The next
level of a Cosmic hipster)

The worst example of a crap-old top-40 number-1 hit made a
cosmic-classicever must be NOVA - AURORA...that song makes
you puke!!!

Stupid interviews with nobody cosmic DJs:
What can you do to make your fucking stupid cosmic site/blog
stand out, yes an exclusive interview !
And you stupid fuck can't interview Baldelli for the 2000th
time and all the rest of these cosmic legends died from drug
overdose so who can you interview????.......another cosmic
hipster idiot DJ!

Yes another fucking lame ass like you that doesn't know shit
about cosmic, another wanker that was in some stupid alternative
college rock band 3 years ago and now thinks he is the PROFESSOR
OF COSMIC MUSIC.

this how such an interview usually goes:

Q so hey...,how did you start DJing cosmic...dude?

A: welllll when i was a young kid I started experimenting with
tape decks and recording sounds and my parents record collection
BLAHBLAHBLAHABALA

Well you get the picture...just pure piss ass cliche crap!!!
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwnnn

The next level of a Cosmic hipster:

Cosmic hipsters are talentless fucks that are too lazy and too
dumb to make their own music. So what they do is make the lowest
of the lowest form of music: EDITS. yes edits..they take an old
record, or usually they just download an MP3...and start rearranging
parts of it in a sound edit program.
Most of the time they use the excuse of that it will make the track
better for dancing and mixing....
Maybe you should realize that if you can't mix it in the original
version you are probably a shit-ass DJ in the first place!

If that is not stupid enough already, the next level of lameness
is to claim their name to the edit (and song) and sometimes just
not even mentioning the original artist.

-so DJ Lame-ass downloaded an MP3 of a track called 
Bondabobo - Blue Moon Ocean:

so BONDABOBO (that would be the band name) - "BLUE MOON OCEAN"
(that wouldbe the title of the track) becomes:

BLUE MOON OCEAN (DJ LAME-ASS EDIT)

or even worse they hussle the name around...to be extra
mysterious or just to be extra...tadddaaa "COSMIC"...
it becomes something like:

OCEAN BLUES (DJ LAME-ASS DEEP MOON EDIT)...

If this ain't too emberassing enough already they can take it
a step further even...

They can release their edit on a BOOTLEG vinyl record...yes
they steal and edit a track, claim its theirs and then fucking
release it on a vinyl bootleg to get ultra self-satisfaction and
prove they are the ultmate egocentric pricks! Ofcourse most people
are stupid and actually think they made the music on the record
and that they are actually TALENTED....but its all just
LIES AND A BIG FACADE!

and that is what COSMIC MUSIC is....a giant bunch of facade
bullshit so these fake untalented drugmuppets can pretend
they are something hot...

Col. Norbert

So

Because wordpress is for scrapbook bloggers I migrated my wordpressblog to this one here.